My inferiority complex

I have a serious inferiority complex, but not in the conventional sense.

I am constantly pressured to strive for excellency because of the feelings of inadequacy which has been perpetuating me ever since I am an adolescent, and more so now. Throughout the years, the route to self-betterment was an agonizing journey as I had never given myself concessions to fail in the past. Back then, I was terribly afraid of making mistakes, and for every mistake I make, I would actually berate myself for not being able to perform well because of how self-critical I was, along with the unrealistic expectations of myself by often comparing my weaknesses to other people’s strengths. For this reason, I was incessantly affected by how well people are doing in comparison to me, and it’s only until people in my life told me to reflect on what I have achieved and what have I become in spite of all the adversities which I encountered along the way for self-improvement, that I realise that perhaps, I am not so bad after all.

In any case, this inferiority complex drives me to be continually improving upon myself because I never feel that I am good enough, and paradoxically, I am only happy prior my achievements and the act of pursuit is what I love and nothing after. Because the end goal was never the achievement itself, but rather, the perils of attaining something that was supposedly hard to grasp. It’s a catch-22 because I am happy before my achievements and yet empty after my achievements.

And for what I have gone through, I am proud of who I am today.